34 years old

16 Sep

Life is a party. I have always been the center of attention even when I was little. I had to be the loudest, the funniest; the best at whatever I was doing at the moment. That was the problem, living in the moment. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed most of it. I had my children at a young age. I am 33 and this year my 2 wonderful boys will be 14 and 11. I met a wonderful man and fell head over heels for him. We were engaged at 7 months into our relationship, bought a house 2 months later and were married on our one year anniversary. I studied hard and had a wonderful career in Neurology for 13 years. 

When I was younger, I would think I can't see my life past 21. Then I was 21 and I couldn't see my life past 25. I always felt like I was going to die in a horrific accident or die of some awful disease. Both my parents are nurses, working in Neurology for so long, being a horror movie fanatic; I guess I had a morbid thought of reality. Maybe that's why I always lived in the moment (now I am psychoanalyzing myself). 

My children's father (at the time my fiance) and I bought a house when i was about 24. It was near my old high-school friends and a few places that hosted karaoke. I would wait until my kids went to bed and I would go out partying. I had a blast. I did all the things girls my age did. A couple had kids but most of them were single and loved to have fun like me. We drank and stayed out late. We hung out at my house and played drinking games. Almost everything we did involved drinking. 

One year I kept having extreme stomach aches. I had every test you could think of and my primary doctor said I had acid reflux and would probably get an ulcer and lay off hard liquor. Here goes the pretend doctor in me... I started drinking martinis and sombreros and eating tums like candy, problem fixed. 

I had a crazy fun childhood as I mentioned previously, not everything was fun. My step brothers were kept away from my step father for most of the years, although we remained close to my step sister. Any chance I could see my step brothers I would take it. I had so much fun with them. When I became an adult I grew very close to one my step brothers. We became inseparable. My children fell in love with their uncle. He would wrestle with them and play games with them, did everything an uncle would do.We cooked dinners together, we drank and partied together when the kids went to bed. We had fun. What I didn't know was how sad he was. He was doing other things than just drinking that led him down a different path. Although he was still my best friend and brother we started seeing less of each other. We got in a disagreement one day. We didn't make up but he still wanted to see my children, his nephews. I waved goodbye to him when I picked up my children from a day of playing with him. The next day he killed himself. I never got to say sorry or hug him one last time.

I drank a lot more often. My children's father (my fiance) and my family members noticed it and told me to stop. They were marking my tequila bottles and watching me at family functions. I said I was just depressed with the loss of my brother and my relationship with my fiance. I agreed to slow down, I did not think I had a problem. I still had the same job, my same friends and I was a good mother. My fiance and I tried very hard for the kids, but the fighting never stopped. Was it his drinking? Was it my drinking? We both had problems but neither of us wanted to face it. 

I finally left, I took the kids and started a new life. I rented a house closer to my work, the kids started a new school. And we all made new friends. The drinking did not stop. I switched from tequila back to vodka. Again, here's the doctor in me... I thought if I had a problem how could I switch so easily from tequila to vodka? I stopped having stomach aches but I starting having diarrhea. As soon as I ate I would have to go the bathroom at work or functions during the day. When I got home and the kids were settled I would start my drinking and the diarrhea would stop, only to start the next day. Again, I had numerous workups with a gastroenterologist and everything led back to acid reflux and now IBS.

I started dating my future and current husband. We bought a house, we had holidays and parties with both our families. We fought like every couple fights, but we were best friends. Nothing could ever come between us. We had struggles through the relationship; money, kids, regular things. My parents as well his family would bring up my drinking to him. He would address it with me and I would promise to cut back. It started with drinking wine and occasionally beer. We would go to a party and I would start the hard liquor again. He would ask how my drinking was and I would say fine, I had cut back. For a few years I had not been feeling well off and on. I would see a therapist, then a rheumatologist, then a hematologist. I was lacking some major vitamins (iron, vitamin B, C, D). I took supplements for about a month then never followed up. 

I kept drinking. The pretend doctor in me thought if I bought nips instead of whole bottles of vodka, I was cutting back. It always led back to the bottles. It's not like I had bottles everywhere laying around, I had one corner in the back of my butlers pantry I kept it in, hiding it away. I would drink for anything. Sadness, excitement, nervousness, no rhyme or reason. A day did not go by without a drink. I made myself believe that I cured a cold or an ear infection, in reality I was just numbing up my body to not feel. I was sick of listening to my parents and family members, I was tired of hiding it from my husband and children. I was physically sick, I felt like I was dying. I had my last drink November 16, 2016. Read how I almost died

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