Devin Bubble

08 Aug

Someone asked me my five greatest fears, I told her not having my nails done, not having my eyebrows look like sister but as twins and as I said the words aloud I thought to myself, am I a superficial person? Am I some kind of jerk that I can't think other people. So of course I care about my children and I would never want them to be hurt or sick or sad, and of course I love my husband and I don't want him to be sick or die or to be fed up with my bullshit and not love me anymore, and of course I love my family even though I fight with them; what would I do without them? I won't have a sister I call to bitch with, I wouldn't have an annoying little brother who is 6' 2".  I do worry about falling off the bandwagon and I know the ramifications of drinking; one is my health, I don't know what will happen if I drink again...

I don't know what will happen in my brainstem... I don't know what happened to my memory and my thinking cognitive ability but it will only get worse. I also was reminded by my husband that if I was to drink again he would leave me he wouldn't put up with that again he said he couldn't handle seeing me in the hospital sick again. Is that something that flashed? It was seeing me in the hospital sick all the time just because I wanted to drink and get drunk. I mean I didn't drink to get drunk but that was always the end result and why did I do that then that makes me want to soul search. It wasn't because I was depressed was because I was unhappy with my life that makes me unhappy to think that my husband thinks that but is it true. I think writing this blog has made me come to realize who I am but the same point I have no idea this is no one I know, who I was when I was a child turning into a teenager with alcohol.

 I remember the days when I didn't even drink but I can't remember how my feelings were back then, I know they were all jumbled but I was also a teenager and I had no idea what my feelings were to be. Then I became a mom at such a young age that I never had the time to do that soul-searching instead of living for me, I was living for my child, which there's nothing in the world that's more important than my children. I love them so much that I didn't even think about taking care of myself for taking care of them I have always been my top priority so why would I choose booze? Why would I go to booze when I could be sitting down doing homework with them? When I could be teaching them a new activity but instead I chose booze and it's not like I sat and held up in a room and just drink booze. I would not care to join in on watching a movie or doing things that they all did. I think that's what pushed my family apart when my husband was watching movies with them and gradually it became he was just sitting on the computer. And now I'm always the one all alone in the living room watching something, my husband is on the computer, one child is held up in his room becoming a teenager and learning his way of doing things, while my other son plays with his fingers in the other room, but starting on my family is a whole different chapter. This one was supposed to be me soul searching. But at the end of the day I am just me. I do care about people but I also am still the center of attention good more often than bad :)

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