Lead by Example

15 Oct

I am 2 days shy of being 11 months sober! How does it feel? Great! Seriously, you can never tell an alcoholic when to stop drinking. I have burned many bridges because of family members telling me to stop and I wouldn't. In a perfect world that would happen. But in the "Devin Bubble," that doesn't work, it only pushed me further away and further into drinking. Not like I'm blaming anyone, but I would stop drinking as much to prove I could do it and then BOOM something would happen and I would need to drink and more than before. I want to say there were 2 major times my parents sat down with me to talk about my drinking, but countless other times of mentioning during social events which infuriated me. No one tells me what to do, so in their way of trying to help me I pushed them away.

I started this blog to help people. I don't know how many people have actually read my stories and have been helped. Probably not many, but I'm still continuing to learn to be sober so I will continue to tell people my struggles. It's a day to day struggle. While I don't feel the struggle everyday, it's there. So, everyday I live this life of mine, that has become so different. I no longer have to plan my day around drinking, no longer am I walking into the package store every other day. Believe it or not I was embarrassed at seeing these people who worked at the package store, so I would hit up different ones depending on the day. I would buy enough for 2 days, if I bought anymore I would drink it, but having enough for tonight and tomorrow would keep me happy and less anxious. But on the day to buy more alcohol I would have all this anxiety. Who would I run into? Would I take too long and alert my husband or kids that I am doing something I shouldn't be doing? It's a sad life to be in constant fear that people will know how much I was drinking, but at the same time I couldn't care less because I would still do it.  

There are so many other things that has changed in my life since living the sober life, but the thing that I love about being sober and being a talker is that I am able to talk about being sober. I tell people how I lived and it makes them think twice about their alcoholic parent who won't or can't stop drinking. Physically there were unaware how much it takes ahold of your life. But also working in the medical field I run into people every day who are battling alcoholism. I met a lady who was concerned of something they found in her brain. I'm not a doctor and I can't give a diagnosis or prognosis. I told her my story and she told me she was been sober for 20 years and I was so happy to see she is still sober. Even with learning about something so scary as she was dealing with, we both agreed all you can do is take one day at a time. I've met other people fairly new to being sober, and all I could do is tell them how happy I am, how good it feels. I mean seriously I used to wake up writhing in pain hung over to suffer all day or just start drinking again. Now I wake up refreshed and happy to start a new day. I was always afraid someone would smell booze on my breath, now I hope my husband walks by and smells something good on me and it lingers with him all day.

Being sober isn't for everyone. It's for people who are sick and tired of working so hard to get their daily drink on. Or tired of being left out of being invited to things because it does not involve alcohol. Maybe tired of not sitting down and eating dinner with their family, or being part of family movie night because their drink has them holed up in the kitchen. Sometimes I wonder if I changed my drink of choice or how I drank it would things have turned out differently? The answer is no. I would still be an alcoholic and still be hurting people. But here I am... Almost 11 months of sobriety under my belt and I couldn't be happier. I have clearer thoughts and more time to spend with my family. More memories to make and actually remember them!!!

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