The struggle is Real


16 Feb
16Feb

3 months ago.... Sounds like I am starting a bad horror movie. I'm not, but life is truly a struggle. Life does not suck by all means, but it's hard. Growing up, our family was not rich nor were we poor. Our parents did give us anything we wanted though. I joke about how we ran the house, but us kids did. I grew up thinking I could get away with anything, this followed me into my adult years. I wasn't handed things, but in a way I was. I also worked hard for what I have accomplished. I've already explained my thoughts on my alcoholism previously. Today I feel great! I have not gone to AA and I am not saying I won't or that it doesn't work for people. I know people who stand by it whole-heartedly. I want to try this alone, that isn't true... I have my husband, my kids, my parents, siblings, friends and family all rooting for me. 


I had my last drink 3 months ago. It was actually a shot of vodka with water as my chaser. Thinking about it does not make me want another one. But I wonder what other people feel like. Hitting rock bottom I thought meant like literally having no money, no family, nothing. But I had so much more than that, maybe thats why I feel like I won. I can't be so cocky though, I know one day I could fall back. It's a reality. There is such a HIGH percentage of people who do relapse. I drive by liquor stores and bars I have been too and I don't think of turning back. I do think of the fun times I had, but then I think if the not so fun times. The not so fun times outweighs the fun times. Saying hurtful things to loved ones, doing stupid things I thought was funny at the time. I can't get back those times to undo it, but I can try my hardest to not let something get in my way of happiness. 


I have heard people say they believe in me because I am strong. They are people on facebook, old highschool friends, how do they know if I am strong? I have had nurses and doctors say I am strong, they didn't know me before I was sick, how do they know? Family members have said I am strong, do they know what is behind the locked door? It's hard believing in yourself. When everyone else believes in you, you start to believe it too. When my husband looks me in the eyes and tells me how strong I am after seeing how hard I fought through the sickness, the physical symptoms, the emotions going through all of this... I believe I am strong. 


I went to the store last week and bought some new makeup. My husband says I am beautiful without it, but I still wanted to put it on. I did errands alone for the first time since the hospital discharge that day. I felt great, not because the makeup, because I did something alone and I did not need any help from anyone. I took selfies :) I picked the kids up from school and we took more pictures together. I literally felt sunshine on my skin. The other day I drove around enjoying not needing to be anywhere. Before when I was drinking, I would shy away from doing anything that interrupt my daily drink. Knowing I had to drive somewhere later on would have me on edge until I was done so I could have my drink. Everyone noticed it, and I ignored it. I hid it.


People say don't be embarrassed. But I am. I will not deny it. I feel as though I do not need to hide anymore, or stand a little further away. I snuggle my kids closer, I kiss my husband more, I even called my mother just to talk. Those things might seem normal to anyone else, but I treasure it more now. My husband smiled at me the other day and said he could see how much happier I am now, my parents have noticed the change, co-workers see a positive change. Corny as it sounds,  I am just happy and I want everyone else to feel the same way. 


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