A Journey to Myself


01 Apr
01Apr

I almost died 2 years ago, I did not have an out of body experience like you hear stories about. My organs were failing and the doctors told my husband if I hadn’t gone to the hospital he would have woken up to me dead in a couple of days. I got sicker before I got better, in that time I am not even sure how I seemed to other people. To myself time wasn’t even there. Mornings blurred into nights, I felt like no one was visiting me even though I had someone by my side everyday. My thoughts were jumbled, I didn’t think about the future; I didn’t even know if I had one. All I thought about was my kids. I don’t even think I wanted to get better for myself.

Every night I prayed (I’m not religious and I’ve gone to church only for funerals and baptisms), but I prayed to anyone who would hear my prayers; deceased relatives, God, Angels, anyone who could make me better. As time went on I got stronger, and healthier. I pushed myself to limits the doctors never expected, I amazed all my therapists (speech, physical and occupational). I was sent home finally. I had no job and I sat at home everyday working on getting stronger eating/talking/walking. At some point through all of that I had ended one life and started a new life.

I thought I was strong, smart and had everything figured out before I got sick; knowing what I know now I wasn’t even close. In the time I went from slumping over in a bed drooling, eating puréed food and peeing in a diaper, I transitioned very fast. Was that determination? Was it strength? I’d like to think it’s because I’m a strong motherf$&@c&er💪 When you’re a baby you have years to grow into the beautiful adult you have become, I had less time. I needed to become a normal person functioning in society, raising my kids and paying bills. If I didn’t have so much to live up to, I truly don’t think I would have gotten better.

My life may never be normal, I will always have imbalances physically and mentally. But I got to a point of normalcy; driving, working, no more jumbled thoughts. And I kept having this feeling of needing more. I felt like I needed to share my story to help other alcoholics or maybe people physically/mentally limited. I started a blog to help other people, in doing so I saw my thoughts forming into advice, words of encouragement, love. I practiced mindfulness and really got down to the heart of me.

I focused on me; who I wanted to be, what my values were, where I wanted to be in life and slowly day by day my life started changing. The way I felt towards strangers changed. The way I felt when others said harsh words to me. The way I treated my kids. My husband could see the difference and he started looking up more ways to help me become me. Most men would have been insecure knowing their wives are improving and changing, I see so many divorces and breakups just because a woman changes her body, let alone changing her mind and soul. But he stood there and let me change and loved me even when I wasn’t sure who I was.

I began to help other people, people saw me as encouraging and loving. All the things I felt about myself other people could feel too and I realized all through my medical career since I was 19, I have always helped people. I helped them feel less scared about their conditions they had, I listened to their fears and without realizing what I had been doing for 16 years, I was a sounding board for people. That’s when I decided to become a Certified Life Coach in Achology. I still felt a push for something.

My children go to Catholic School although we are not religious, I always wanted to to be part of something like that. A community of like minded people. I listen to Michael Youssef and enjoy hearing his preaching, but it wasn’t enough. I was reminded by a medium of when I was sick, when I prayed up to Grandpa Don, my brother Eric and my Great-Grandma Beryl. She confirmed they were there, they were helping me, they were guiding me, that’s when I realized life isn’t black or white as we know it. It isn’t a hard ground we walk on. We don’t go to sleep and then just wake up, we don’t just die and that’s the end. There’s more to life.

That was it! That was my pull, that was the feeling in my gut. All these years as a child, adulthood, before I got sick and after I got sick; I felt I was destined for something great. Not to be President or find a cure for something just something greater than I could have imagined. And it’s now. I was able to rid my body of toxins, I was able to be the author of my life, I was able to want something and make it happen. Everyone has that ability but have forgotten how to do it. Remember when you were a kid and were swinging and saw a spot in the grass way up ahead and needed to jump into that exact spot? At first, real quick you’d think; I might get in trouble, or hurt myself, because that’s what we were taught... But then we jumped, and landed in that spot we kept looking at, maybe you hurt yourself but did you die?

I took the meditation I learned from mindfulness and I started doing more than just breathing techniques. I started visualizing, I felt something inside of me opening, I started having visions, it’s the most amazing feeling. I am conscious of all the sounds around me, and then I feel this fast moving feeling like I’m on a ride and then I’m somewhere else. Each vision has led to the next one. They aren’t up in a cloud with beautiful flowers 💐 but they are informative and I’m being told something, guided somewhere. Each one isn’t exciting, some have been scary. I learned with meditation not to expect anything. I used to read books about the physical human body/brain and its physical capabilities and now I’ve tuned my learning into more. I know I live here physically but what happens when here isn’t here anymore? So many questions and so many searches.

As I continue my growth I learn more about myself which helps me help others. I wish good luck to everyone on their path. Whether it be a path to a better body, a better job, better relationships, or finding your authentic self. Remember whatever you’re fighting for, don’t give up, don’t let people’s opinions of your journey deter you and slow you down. Steam forward, push past those obstacles. Become the person you hoped and prayed to be❤️

Namaste, love Devin!

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